Spiritual Esteem: People Problems
I was never satisfied with just being "there". There had to be more to my existence than blending into the background watching everyone else take the stage. So as discouraged as I was, I was also very driven. On the surface, that sounds like an excellent quality, but for me, it was a two-edged sword. On one hand, I had goals and dreams that I actively pursued. I was always going up for leadership positions, and I was always auditioning for roles in my high school plays and musicals. I had the most extensive resumé out of each of my siblings and even my circle of friends. And being such a "goal-getter" was impressive from the outside looking in, but I knew the truth: I was bold enough to pursue my goals and dreams, but I allowed the way people responded to that pursuit to determine my confidence in my ability to achieve them. I didn't want to be a leader because I wanted power, but because I genuinely believed I could be an asset. And I didn't want lead roles just for the sake of being in the spotlight, but because I believed I could do the script justice. And when I didn't win a position or I didn't get picked for a role, it felt like nothing I believed about myself was being affirmed. Instead, it felt like it was being denied. And I already felt like I wasn't being affirmed in the church, so then it felt like I wasn't being affirmed in the world, either.
I went from seeking validation from prophetic people to seeking validation from people period. It almost didn't matter what I believed about myself if no one else co-signed it. This is a very dangerous space to be in, because when you give people the power to make your confidence, you also give them the power to break it. I was talented, ambitious, and extremely well-rounded, but I was only secure in what I had—not in who I was. As long as I had the position, as long as I had the role, as long as I had influence, then I felt like my life meant something.
More often than not, we equate what we do with who we are. Honey, you are more than your resumé! You're more than your accolades, affiliations, relationship status, and job description. See, when God chose you, you didn't have credentials. He didn't call you because you were qualified, He qualified you when He called. So there is NOTHING in your life that makes you who you are; you were already that person when you were conceived. The question is, do you know who s[he] is? Who are you when the feedback is silenced? When it's just you and God. No prophets, pastors, mentors or teachers. When no one is around to co-sign, what do you believe about yourself? More importantly, what do you believe about God?
Do you believe that He still wants to use you even if it seems like no one else does?
Do you believe that He has plans for you even if He never whispers them to your pastor or a prophet to tell you?
Will you stop nonchalantly living life your way as if God doesn't care what you do?
Will you stop walking around like the ugly duckling; overlooked, outcast, and unloved?
At the end of the day, it's not about what people think—it's about whether or not you agree with them. What do you believe about yourself? Do you believe you are loved? Do you believe you're anointed? Do you believe that you, too, are gifted? Do you believe you're valuable? If your commitment to those beliefs wavers based on how people respond to you, the issue is not their response, but that you are not secure.
Continue to Part III, Personal Problems https://www.getlivted.com/single-post/2017/11/07/Spiritual-Esteem-Part-III