• Gladys Olivia Murray

Spiritual Esteem: Prophet Problems

Not everyone has been anointed to foresee who God called you to be. But just because they don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.

Today, I want to talk to dreamers. I want to talk to those of you who are chosen by God. I want to talk to world changers, planet shakers, the anointed, the appointed, and the Esther's and Joshua's of our generation. And in case you're still wondering, yes, I'm talking to you.

If at any moment you hesitated about whether or not you fell into this powerhouse category, my love, you have come to the right place! As a matter of fact, you are the very reason I'm writing this article. If you needed someone to tell you that you are all of those things, I just did it. But it is my prayer that if you keep reading, you'll never need someone to tell you again.

From the outside looking in, I probably appear to be perfectly healthy.

But the truth is, I am a recovering peopleholic.

I am recovering from years of caring wayyy too much about what people thought of who I was...

if they thought I was pretty, if they thought I was cool, if they thought I was smart, or if they thought I was desirable--not physically, but in friendship, opportunities, etc.

But there was one thing that I cared about more than anything...

And that was if they thought that I was special.

Growing up in church, I was exposed to the outpouring of the Holy Spirit on multiple occasions. I witnessed the manifestation of several spiritual gifts, and namely the gift of prophecy. As a child, it was fascinating; watching people get called out by information that the prophet couldn't possibly have known except that it came from God. I witnessed the proclamation of the promises that would come to pass, the declaration and identification of spiritual gifts, and a verbal glimpse of destiny, straight from the mouth of God. And as much as I watched random people be prophesied to, more often than not, I watched my older sister. To this day I tell her she's a prophetic magnet, because somebody always has a word for her! Lol Male and female, denominational and nondenominational, familiar and unfamiliar--prophets from all walks of life have served as messengers to my sister. And while God's not through yet, my family and I have been living witnesses to many of the things spoken over her life.

At first, it was cool. "OMG, Chelsea you got called out!" Lol but then it was troubling, because if prophets were used to deliver messages from God, it appeared as though God was always speaking to my sister, but never speaking to me. And every time a minister or preacher began to operate in the prophetic gift in a service, I silently hoped that it would be my turn to be ministered to; because I so desperately yearned to hear what God had to say about me. Was I special like Chelsea? Did God want to use me, too? Was I anointed? Was I favored? Was I called? At this point in my life, I thought that God only spoke audibly--so if I didn't hear a voice, either His or a prophet's, I didn't think He was speaking at all. And every time that I hoped it would be THE time someone would prophesy to me--nerppppp.

It was always my sister, but never me. As a result, I felt spiritually second-rate. Like Chelsea was Abel and I was Cain. And I never despised her for the experience she had, but I was painfully discouraged by the experience that I didn't. And I knew I was pretty and I knew I was smart, but pretty and smart comes a dime a dozen. I wanted to be anointed and I wanted to be handpicked by God. And every time there was no prophecy for me, it felt like God wasn't picking me. And as a result, I didn't believe that I was valuable to God. I felt like my existence was fluff; like I was on the outside looking in at all of the special people.

Because I did not believe that I was valuable, I didn't know my worth. And because I didn't know my worth, I relied on so many other things to tell me. And for years I just wanted someone to pick me. Choose me. Want me. And I based what I had to offer on what people were willing to give me. If they don't pick me, if they don't vote for me, if they don't cast me--then I must not be good enough. I must not be gifted enough. I must not be significant.

My spiritual esteem was at an all-time low. And I loved God, but I'm not sure if I believed that He really loved me; I felt like I was just there, as if God was indifferent toward my existence. And I desperately wanted to be more than "just there"; I wanted to be meaningful. I wanted to be valuable. And I wanted to be outstanding. And as a result, I looked to so many things outside of the scripture to affirm those qualities...

Continue to Part II: People Problems https://www.getlivted.com/single-post/2017/11/07/Spiritual-Esteem-Part-II

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