I couldn’t stop asking myself why I wasn’t enough for you…
I knew I was gorgeous, I knew I was smart.
I knew I was talented, sophisticated, loved and beloved.
Strong enough, yet sensitive enough.
But while I was adored by the masses of everyone around me,
I was always enough for them, but never enough for you.
I still remember the look in your eyes when our eyes met for the first time.
You looked at me in a way that no one else had ever looked at me.
The kind of look a girl doesn’t forget.
Weeks passed and months passed, and companionship became the soil
In which a seed of love was planted.
The more time I spent with you, the more I liked you—and vice versa.
And you became my smile every morning.
And my contentment when I closed my eyes.
The calm in my storm no matter what was going wrong
My Sunday morning and my Saturday night.
My first kiss, first touch, first man and first love.
Everything that affected you became an addition to my list of concerns.
I cared for you, I prayed for you, I worried for you, I craved you…
And all of a sudden you became an addition to the cast of characters in my daydreams
Because I could no longer imagine a future that you weren’t in.
And I understood that we weren’t perfect; and I understood that you weren’t perfect...
But flaws and all, I wanted us.
And flaws and all, I wanted you.
And despite the coming distance and differing positions,
I didn’t mind, because I loved you in a place that knew no space or time.
And that love was always enough for me, but it was never enough for you.
The peak of our relationship was the most pleasant period of my life;
Not because I was happy, but because I was full.
I was so full of love and light and joy.
Then one day I woke up and it seemed like that peak had run its course.
And in the downward spiral of emotions I felt you slipping away from me...
I felt love and light and joy slipping away from me.
And I went from feeling so full to feeling so empty,
In what felt like the blink of an eye.
And one day it was gone.
It was all gone.
And while all the other couples around me continued to flourish in their relationships,
I couldn’t stop asking myself why I wasn’t enough for you.
And then I saw you post a picture with your new girlfriend,
Nearly a month after you gave me the whole “Right person wrong time speech.”
As if you were choosing to embark on a personal journey of self-discovery,
But you were really just choosing to embark on that journey with someone else.
And I couldn’t stop asking myself why I wasn’t enough for you…
And I wondered if there was something more I should’ve said...
Or something I shouldn’t have said.
Or something more I should’ve done, because maybe I wasn’t doing enough……
And I wondered if anything said or done differently would’ve possibly changed the outcome of me watching the insta-flaunt of your new life with her, while my hands bled daily from attempting to collect the shattered glass pieces of a hardened, broken heart.
And I found myself analyzing the pictures of y’all and of her, and I even read the comments, too...just trying to figure out what it was about her that was enough.
A couple of heartbreaks and healings later, I’m stronger and I’m better.
I was hurt, but I’m not mad.
I was so hurt…
But I’m not sad.
I forgave you, and I released you from my emotions.
But from time to time, a burning question comes to mind...
And I wonder why—with all of my love, commitment, compassion and attention—I was never enough for you.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be enough for anyone.
To be continued.