At A Loss For Prayers
"Stop saying that you don't want what you really want for fear that you won't receive it."
Would you believe me if I told you that at one point this year, I decided not to ask God for anything, anymore? For months, the only prayer I prayed was, "Thank you" (I wasn't so far gone that I failed to be grateful for life). However, all of my hopes, dreams, wants, needs, aspirations, favors, etc.--all of those prayers ceased. I decided that there was no purpose in asking God for anything if He was just going to do what He wanted, how He wanted, whenever He wanted. Clearly, I was wasting time, energy and hope in pursuit of my own will. When final exams came around and final grades were on their way, I didn't even pray about their outcome. I just studied, took the tests, and decided it was going to be whatever it was going to be. That's how committed I was to not asking for anything, ever again.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped going to church. And it wasn't a deliberate boycott, per say, but sitting through a Pastor preaching about a God who grants us the desires of our heart, and about having everything you need "added unto you" as long as you put Him first, became too painful to bear. I had found myself literally sitting in the service with a hardened heart. Everything being said was going in one ear and out of the other, because I didn't believe it. I wanted to, but everything that had happened to me contradicted what I heard.
Then there came the, "What's the point?" phase. What's the point in fasting, praying, hoping, believing, and even working IF in fact, God moves to the beat of His own drum? And no matter how much you pray, how much you work, and even how much you deserve--God is STILL going to do what HE wants, not what you want. So, naturally--I became frustrated. And as someone who has been a Christian their whole life, I was confused. But more than anything I was hurt, because after all of the shortcomings and disappointments I'd endured from other humans--this time I felt like GOD let me down. And He was the one that was supposed to have my back; and I felt like I fell into the abyss...and He wasn't there to catch me. To be continued... disappointments I'd endured from other humans--this time I felt like GOD let me down. And He was the one that was supposed to have my back; and I felt like I fell into the abyss...and He wasn't there to catch me.
To be continued.